鏡の国のアリア

April 28, 2009 § 2 Comments

I was unusually anxious, as I shuffled to the grand rotunda. Even though I cut my practice time by a half so I would make it early, I still wondered, “was Yuki waiting for me?” But suddenly the world crashed in front of my eyes, as Lily stole him for just a moment in eternity.
The contents of my hands spilled revealing a freshly frosted colourful array of sweet goodness, contaminated by the feasting unseen bacteria. Simply saying, “it slipped out of my grasp” was a mere understatement. But what else was there to say?
I stumbled a bit before running out the door into the cold autumn wind.

Yuki threw Lily off of him and wiped his mouth with the back of his soiled hand.
“Kino!” He barked, trying to get her attention but she never turned back. He chased after her, like the pathetic dog he was. Lily stood there at the foyer watching Yuki’s back. She secretly wished to herself that he was running after her.

I sat underneath the shelter of a playground slide. It was frustrating how stupid I have become, and how annoying the world around me was. How childish.
She was lost, lost and no where to be found.
She was scared, scared and petrified of moving forward.
She was frozen, frozen in an endless waltz.

“Kino! Where are you?! If you can hear me then say something!”
The tears built up as I heard muddy footsteps draw closer and closer to my secret base. Lonely dark shadows that have haunted me in the past, crawled up my spine and choke me.

My mouth opened, as I saw a golden haired figure. I sprinted, panting so hard that you could hear the sharp sound of my breath pierce my lungs. Reaching out to him, arm extending, and hand outstretched. Out of pure desperation, I called out his name, yet only silence was heard. With that final leap, my hand grabbed onto his shirt tightly, only to feel it slip right through my fingers. This was a dream seen many times, each time they were all dreams. What makes this time any different?

“Kino, I’m sorry…I’m sorry…”
That wet paw drew to my face, only for it to be swung back at him.
“Don’t do this to me! Just go back where you came from!”
“But I can’t—“
“Leave me alone! If you stay with me, you’ll only get hurt because everything is my fault.”
“What? Kino, I think we should talk.”
“Just get out of my face!”
“Kino, I’m not leaving you here like this.”
I spoke the truth, and only the truth.
“You’re always disappearing, even if I told you to stay, you would just walk further away from me. So why don’t you just go away?! Friends, right, I’ve hated you since the very moment you spoke to me, so why don’t you just do yourself a favour and forget about me and go out with Lily. For all I care, you could fuck her for hours on end and give her babies! I don’t give a damn!”
I shrieked, with anger before trapping myself in this darkness I hated so much. It was as if the world revolved around me, and I wanted to stop.

On that bulletin board, were the names of those special people. The kind of people you would say had “talent.” But of course, I’m not special, and so my name wasn’t there. I knew people like me couldn’t achieve anything, and yet I feel ridiculous for being upset.
“Work hard, and I’m sure you’ll ace it,” those words were lies. Just like the boy who spoke them, but that’s just like me placing the blame on someone else. The sad thing was I believed in this fairytale that I don’t belong in. This isn’t reality, and I learned that the hard way.

I lifted my hand, above black and white stripes, appearing to be ready to paint colours.
“Kino, you may start,” said the nice Russian lady who sat in a stiff chair. Her ears opened, hoping to hear something spectacular from garbage. But not a single sound escaped.
“Kino?”
The contents of my hands spilled and the darkness absorbed the colourful array of melodic goodness, over the Steinway’s polished wooden keys.
I kicked myself out, leaving no trace of a murmur.

It wasn’t hard to guess what was happening around me. I knew I wasn’t anything special, I knew that I was second best, I knew very damn well. But God seems to enjoy keeping me chained to witness unnecessary pain. I don’t care, yet I’m troubled anyway. I’m too aware, too sensitive to the insignificant changes that happen around me, it’s disgusting. It’s disgusting how I’ve become like those despicably self-centred people. That’s why nobody will look at me.

Eric handed Kino some ice tea, and noticed she did not flinch from the cold, as if her hands were even colder than the bittersweet solution itself.
“Eric, what am I doing here?”
“What do you mean?” he asked lazily staring at the clouds that passed by through the hard clear substance.
“It’s all just some stupid dream, I shouldn’t be here.”
How silly of her to have thought that something as horrible as her would be able to understand what the great masters had to say.
How silly of her to have thought that someone would listen to crap like her.
How silly of her to have thought that Yuki would even want to look at a monster.

“Please, I’ll do anything…I’ll fly to Mexico, kill someone and put myself in jail, or even jump out of this window, just get me out,” I pleaded as the very air of the place made me sick. “Is this your wish?”
“A wish?”
“I said it before remember?”
“I’ll grant you one wish, the least I could do for you.”
I am a stain and I want to wipe myself clean from this perfect fantasy.
“I wish I never existed.”

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