Christmas Spirit

November 18, 2010 § Leave a comment

This week, my roommates and I purchased a tree and decorated stockings in light of the approach of Christmas, and the fact that I wouldn’t have time later because I would be busy with exams. They don’t call it studying for nothing. Super excited for Christmas baking, Christmas partying, and CHRISTMAS BREAK that I have started counting down on Facebook and have been listening to Christmas music since the beginning of November. Yes, that excited. All that’s left is the snow…

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ローリンガール

June 6, 2010 § Leave a comment

In the usual music room, Kino sat at the piano, blazing through musical passages after passages. Her piano teacher watching from the side, her expression stern and serious. Was she not pleased with the music? Somehow it felt rushed. Somehow it felt emotionless. Somehow it felt like nothing but noise.
“Kino.”
“Yes?”
Kino’s hands slide off the keys as she looked at her teacher. Her eyes and smile were noticeably less brilliant than before. Everyday she’d grow more weary, and tired as the shadows beneath her grew.
“Who are you playing for?”
“You.”
“No, that’s not what I meant. At this rate, you’re not going to make it onto the competition circuit.” The teacher would look at Kino who was trying to find an excuse.
“That’s enough for today. It seems you’re not in the mood to play. If you manage to get on the circuit, we’ll have lessons accordingly,” her teacher spoke, as if this would be the last time she would be seeing Kino.
Why her teacher wasn’t satisfied, Kino didn’t know. She was already at her limit. She couldn’t keep up with Yuki, and her dream at the same time. Always tripping, falling, making mistakes. All she wanted to do was close her eyes and drift into a dream, never waking up. But she was too prideful to quietly disappear. Kino knew everything around her was falling apart. Why she bothered to fool herself into thinking there was no problem? No idea.
Kino would gather the fabric of her kilt into her clenched fist in frustration. She heard the click of the door opening, and its slow squeak. But she dared not turn around to see who it was.
“Yoh!”
She lowered her face and let her fringes cover it as if not willing to show Eric her pathetic face. Eric blinked, watching her, walking towards her and sitting with her on the edge of the bench.
“Something happen?”
“I made a mistake again.”
He sighed, looking at the piano and the book opened in front of her.
“Did you need something, your highness? I thought you would be socializing with the ladies.”
“You’re making me out to be some sort of playboy! Ahem! Anyway, I was told to come here, so no. I’m just checking up on my favourite pianist.”
“Well there’s no problem here…”
Kino looked at her hands and sighed. She would remember the time just having Eric in the same room as her would make her smile, but not even that could salvage the bittersweet look on her face.
“Hey, I won’t say I’m a genie in a bottle, but if you ever need me, I can grant you a wish or two. Also get some sleep tonight.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.”

Kino would walk down the hallway, hearing things about the competition announcement tomorrow, and luck. But the all the words would swirl around in her head. Will she be fine? Sure she will. That’s what she kept telling herself. But deep down, she knew that she’d fail even more, and keep falling behind. There was nowhere to go for her. She could barely carry herself down the hallway as darkness kept trying to win her over. Hearing the cheers of girls in the background squeal, “Yuki’s here!” snapped her out of her trance.

Kino gripped the gold pendant in her hand tightly. Trying not to show Yuki her knees shake as she stood before him. How lowly she was to cling to that small bit of hope. Yet she couldn’t help it. Why did she feel so relieve to see him? She was so scared that he would never come back to see her again that her insides would squeeze and leave her gasping for air. But she so desperately hoped that she could keep seeing his smile and hear him call her name. She knew that he was busy with Lily, and work. Yet she wanted to believe that there was a place for her in his heart.
“Are you going back early again today?”
“Yeah. Sorry Kino. Did you need me for anything?”
Kino’s fake smile twitched as she tried to hold the disappointment back.
“Ah, no it’s…”
Her voice died out as she looked to the side, her bangs covering her eyes. Her smile was frozen like plastic. Her hand curled up into balls of fists as she tried to control the emotions that raged inside her. Yet Yuki noticed all of it, the tired look on her face, the subtle shaking of her legs, and the dullness of her complexion.
“Kino, is something wrong?”
“No its nothing,”
“You know what; I’m going to take you out for dinner tomorrow.”
Kino quickly looked up, her smile grew awkward, “don’t you have to catch up on school work?”
“I’ll have you to teach me. So don’t worry about it ok? I’ll meet you at the lockers tomorrow ok?”
“But I won’t have anything to wear and—“
Yuki’s hand reached for her and gently patted her head. Her eyes peered through her long hair to see his carefree grin. She blushed, and suddenly her sinking heart started to race.
“I told you. Don’t fret ‘kay?” He would tell her after ruffling her hair. She was left frozen once again when his hand returned to his side, as if the sudden electric shock of being unplugged while still being on left her paralyzed. She watched his back walk further and further away from her.

Kino mindlessly practiced to the depths of the night, until the dawning of morning. Every time she thought of Yuki, she would quickly dismiss it knowing that if she chased after him, he’d disappear from her grasp. She felt pathetic, and incredibly stupid for trying so hard to deny something she wished never existed or never knew it existed. As she continue to fight against the shadows that threatened to consume her, Kino decided to linger in the halls before anyone else got there. Circulating the perimeter and passing by the board so many times. When she looked up at it, she showed a weak smile before lowering her head and continued wandering towards an unknown destination.

Mayu took her seat in the classroom, and almost instantly Keith would poke his head through the windows to the hallway. After half a year she felt so accustomed to it already that she wasn’t surprised one bit.
“Morning,” she said with a smile before noticing the shocked look on his face, “what’s wrong?”
“It’s Kino. Is she here yet?”
“No, what happened? Is it Yuki?”
“The results are posted.”
“I’m sure she—“
“And her name wasn’t on the board.”
There was a pause. Unbelievable.
“But if she doesn’t make the cut, then what is she going to do? They’ll kick her out if she doesn’t—“
“Morning!”
Kino greeted loudly, as she skipped into the classroom energetically.
“Today I finally got to homeroom on time!”
“Ahaha. Yeah, good job.”
“Yuki won’t be here until later today huh?”
Kino would feign curiosity as she looked at his desk and shrugged as if she didn’t care. Mayu noticed the forced smile and couldn’t bear to watch as she shifted her gaze to Keith. Keith gave a bittersweet smile. Neither Keith nor Mayu dare speak though. Neither of them was willing to be the one who breaks her. Little did the two know Kino was holding back her tears with sheer pride. She wanted to run away, run away so badly. But she didn’t, she couldn’t. She was far too stubborn and prideful to. She’d rather stop breathing than run away. She wanted to wait for Yuki, wait for him to save her. She kept telling herself he wasn’t going to come like he used to, and yet she continued to fantasize about him flying to her rescue or white horse.

“Nadako, what do we do? I don’t know what to do. I want to help her but at the same time…”
“We can’t do anything…Eric’s been telling me she hasn’t slept for days or eaten anything but cookies for a many days now. I tried offering her lunch but she wouldn’t eat it.”
“It’s all Yuki’s fault. I don’t care anymore. Keith you go beat him to a pulp.”
“Yes ma’am. But may I ask why can’t you do that?”
“I don’t want to have anything to do with him anymore.”
“Mayu…”
“That jerk Yuki can die in a hole for all I care. Treating Kino this way…she doesn’t deserve it!”
“Mayu!”
Nadako tried to quiet Mayu but it was too late. Kino who heard their conversation simply laughed. Her head hung low for she couldn’t raise her head to look at them directly. It was true. Yuki was a jerk. She didn’t deserve this. She worked really hard to stay here. She tried her best. Yuki was the one who pushed her after all. It was all Yuki’s fault! That was the one thing Kino couldn’t say. Cause she knew as soon as she started doubting him, she would truly have nowhere in this place to go. She felt so silly acting all depressed over a boy and some bad results.
“Yuki…He’s just busy…that’s all. It’s ok. It’s not like I’m a nobody. I’m his friend…If he doesn’t want to see me that’s fine.” She laughed again, as she saw him disappear between her fingers.
“You guys don’t have to worry about me. I’ll figure it out.”

As Yuki slipped out of her grasp, she could see Lily up ahead of him. She tried calling for him. Crying in vain, she would fall to the ground and ask him to come back.
“Kino?” Lily would call out to Kino.
Suddenly reality and dreams were separating like two different solutions of varying densities.
“Yes?”
Kino raised her head to Lily. Her dark eyes and pale complexion was almost sickening to Lily that she had to close her eyes. Lily walked up to Kino and sat on the desk in front of her before smiling. Kino shivered slightly.
“Can I talk to you for a bit?”
“Umm sure…”
“You know Yuki and I are going out correct?”
“No I didn’t.”
“Well, I’m not trying to say you guys can’t be friends, but just…don’t hang around him,” Lily said as if some ungrounded authority gave her the right to look down on Kino. Kino’s eyes narrowed as she spoke back, “you can’t dictate whether I’m friends with Yuki or not.”
“I guess you’re right, but you know he still pities you right? I wouldn’t be surprised if his grandmother dislikes him because he keeps neglecting his work! If he had only listened to me, Yuki and his family company wouldn’t have had to suffer as much as it is now. He should really focus on what’s important to him you know?”
“It isn’t his fault! Why does everyone not realize that he does a lot of great things? Compared to me, Yuki is a hard worker. He’s kind, even to someone like me! If it is anyone’s fault it should be…me.”
“Kino, is it really your fault? I mean, you weren’t planning to distract Yuki from his obligations, right? No no, you did nothing wrong,” Lily tried to comfort Kino but couldn’t hide how content she was with the flow of the conversation.
On the other hand Kino was panicking. They were already dating? Then it’s already too late for her. She thought how selfish she was; how greedy of her to want Yuki all to herself. She worried about him because she didn’t want him to get hurt, telling him to make his own decisions because she thought everyone else around him was wrong. Her chest cringed at the thought that she was the cause of his suffering, that the only reason she didn’t want him hurt, was because it hurt her. What if the only reason Yuki was hanging around her because she wanted him to? Cold sweat rolled down the back of her neck as the dark shadows from the past started towering over her. Suddenly an image flashed into her head, a dream. She was running towards something, but it turned out to be nothing.
“I hope you think about your position.” Cause he’s mine, was what Lily thought in her head as she stood up to leave Kino in the empty classroom. Lily satisfied with tormenting Kino, decided it was time to go home. Eric then appeared before her with that enigmatic grin.
“What does the King want with me?”
“Little princess, I have come to ask why you are stirring some trouble among my subjects?” Eric spoke playing Lily’s game.
“Oh, and what do you mean?”
“I can’t have you ruining my perfectly planned chess game,” he was referring to Kino and Yuki, but Lily didn’t understand, “in a game of chess, there’s no room for a fantasy princess. I also can’t have my knight running off when he has much to do.”
“You lost me…”
“I was merely playing the game of pretend you started.”
Lily felt ridiculed and mocked as Eric continued with his jest.
“What did you say?” he looked over to her with a serious look. However he had to specify, “to Kino.”
“It’s none of your business.”
“Oh, disobeying the King’s orders. That’s treason you know?”
“So you like her? Great, then why don’t you make her get her filthy paws off Yuki already?”
As Lily was about to storm past him, he quickly grabbed her arm and threw her against the wall. The glass of the windows shook as she crashed against it. Eric violently pinned her there as he bore his fangs.
“If you’re going to play my game, then you better start by watching your mouth bitch. Now answer me. What did you say to her?”
“I just simply pointed out that whatever she was doing is hurting Yuki the most. That’s all. I don’t get it at all. Why is everyone so concerned about her? It’s always Kino, Kino, Kino. She’s just a naïve little girl.”
“More the reason why people watch out for her,” he said patting her on the head lightly, like dotting a little kid before he rushed off to the music room where he would find Kino.

Kino’s hand shook widely; her breath was heavy as she opened the piano top, almost dropping it. She breathed quickly gathered her music sheets and spread them widely across the piano, disorganized and scatted. Despite that she played, desperately. She could imagine tears fall down her face. When she listened to herself, she felt the music slipping from her fingertips, and disappearing from her, and yet the thoughts of Yuki kept spinning and recycling to the point where it was all she would think about. Eric listening from outside the other side of the door, he sighed before walking his hands in his pockets, as if he had to hide them from his mistakes.

The practice room became a hell hole, sheet music scattered everywhere, and water bottles thrown into the corner of the room. The music began to deteriorate into noise, and the once beautiful melodies began to decay. The mess grew larger and larger until Kino herself was about to shatter into pieces. It was stupid, yet no matter how many times she told herself that she couldn’t jump out of the hole.
The door quickly slammed shut, waking Kino up from her trance. She turned her head slowly and saw Eric sitting against the door, underneath the window. He motioned his hand desperately, telepathically telling Kino to play something. The chord was struck, and a scale passage was run through upon request. She could feel a tremor beneath her feet as a bunch of females ran down the hallway disrespectfully. As the slowest one passed by, Eric breathed a sigh of relief and collapsed onto the floor.
“Man, it’s not funny when they start chasing after me.”
“Shouldn’t you be used to it by now?”
Eric ignored the question as he sat back up.
“So missy, how’s life?”
“I don’t know.”
“This room has become interesting.”
“Has it?”
“Want to accompany me to the music office?”
“Not really.”
“Damn, rejected.”
“Go by yourself.”
“How about I buy you lunch at the cafeteria?”
“I’m not hungry.”
“I see.”
“Kino, what can I do to get you out of this room?”
“I don’t know.”
“If you don’t give me a proper answer, I’ll just get Yuki to come drag you out.”
“He won’t come!” She barked back, her hands clenched in fists.
“Why can’t you just drag me out yourself?”’
“Because I’m the King. I let my knights do all the dirty work.”
Kino sighed, “I liked it when the two of you were princes.”
“Whatever, as King, I demand you come outside for a change of atmosphere.”
“I can’t leave this place.”
“What, you’re glued to your chair?”
“This is the only place left where I belong…if I leave, I might never be able to come back.”
She looked at her hands and watched as whatever hope she had left began slipping to the floor. The shine in her eyes completely gone. Eric wanted to hug her, but he knew that that wasn’t his job. He would continue to wait patiently for a chance to help her. He didn’t dare bring up the competition results, or Yuki. He knew she’d answer with “I’ll just have to work harder then.” A response he knew was impossible, because she was already beyond her limit. It was times like these he regretted letting her go, but she was the last person he wanted to lie to. He just simply sat there and listened to the music she played until the sun began to set.

Kino kept going. She wasn’t going to give up. She kept aimlessly moving in a direction. She felt like she rolled right back down a slippery slope. The noise wouldn’t let up. The more she tried to tell herself ‘try, try again’ the more Lily’s words would haunt her. She didn’t want to think that just by wanting to stay next to him was what was causing him to be unhappy. She didn’t want to think that she just wanted to see Yuki’s smile so that she too would smile. She didn’t want to think that she was helplessly clinging on to him. She’d rather stop breathing and fall instead of doubting him.

Yuki watched the sun begin to say good night, as he waited for Kino. He heard footsteps and turned his head hoping it was Kino but was disappointed.
“Ah Yuki!” Lily said surprised to find him at the door, even though she stalked him to the door, “do you need a ride?”
“No, I’m waiting for Kino.”
“Kino? Oh, I saw her leave already…”
“What?”
“Yeah, she said she wasn’t feeling too well so she left.”
“When was this?”
“About a couple of minutes ago.”
Yuki started to walk out the door, going after Kino, worried as to whether or not she really was ok. But then Lily stopped him and grabbed onto his arm.
“Wait.”
“Sorry, I have to run.”
“You haven’t heard about her yet have you? You shouldn’t follow her. It’s best you leave her alone for a while.”
“Lily, what happened to Kino?”
“So you didn’t hear huh? Kino’s going to be dismissed because she didn’t make it into the competition circuit this year. So it’s best you don’t see her. You’ll only make it harder on her.”
“That’s precisely why I have to go see her!”
“Do you like Kino?”
An awkward pause travelled through the air.
“Listen Lily, I—”

Kino shuffled her way to the exit and raised her head slowly wondering he Yuki was still waiting for her. But suddenly the world crashed in front of her eyes, as she watched Lily seal Yuki’s lips by stealing a kiss.

If you only care about yourself, the only person who will get hurt is yourself. I guess I’ll stop my breathing, now.

滅びし煌きの都市

April 12, 2010 § Leave a comment

It felt like an ordinary day…

“Where’s Kino?”
“Why, who might that be?”
With that sarcastic tone, he tempted me to ask the question again. But it was all a joke when Eric held out the familiar, thin, black box. I felt like a fool when my mouth was half open in mid-vocalization of that question he so wanted me to ask.
“She told me to give this back to you.”
He calmly slides his hand back into his pocket, smiled with satisfaction, and nodded to himself. The box that was passed on had returned to me like emails being bounced back. I could feel its content shift around in its padded hold and the jingle made me ask, “Where is she?”
“Kino, she disappeared. Went poof with a snap of my fingers,” he would snap his finger, and just like that, the anger took control of me. I pushed him against the dry wall, and grabbed the collar of his shirt.
“What did you do?”
“What have you become?” a pause, “I merely granted her a small wish. The poor girl thought she was a stain, and I used the strongest detergent to wipe her clean of you filthy hands.”
“What are you talking about? Rolland I demand for answers!”
As his name rolled out of my mouth, a fist collided with the side of my face, and left me on the ground. I would only look up at Eric who now looked down at me with a menacing look.
“To think, I let her go because I thought she would be happier with you,” he whispered through his clenched teeth, a demon smile stretched across his face, his eyes narrowing. I realized then that he was furious, beyond anger and rage. The shimmer that soften Eric’s piercing gaze caught my attention.
“She was much better off being toyed by me than she is now. I watched her like I was some sort of guardian. I watched her. And I can’t believe how conceited I was to believe that YOU of all people could make her smile!”
With that he walked off leaving me behind with an enigma.

I sat in the empty classroom past the time any normal student would be lurking around, staring at the content of the box, sighing. The collar I gave her dangled between my fingers as I let it loosely hang.
“Bring her back! You want her back too right? So bring her back! You’re the only one who can do it! Mopping around, saying that she doesn’t have the same feelings for you, assuming she’ll walk away when she stayed right next to you, like some kind of coward! She doesn’t deserve someone like that.”
Mayu’s angry tears were overlooked as she grabbed me by the collar and shook violently. I didn’t have the energy to fight back. I heard the familiar voice but it was all a murmur to me. I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t bring the emotions to even talk back. Nothing was coming in or out. I was empty, hollow, dead.
“You’re right…”
“You selfish brat! Then you’re just the same as everyone else, toying with her! You push her away and then smile as if you didn’t do anything, just like everyone else. You let her fall. If you weren’t like everyone else, she would still be here. The Yuki I knew wouldn’t have been such a coward. It’s your fault!

With just a flick, the light was gone, and I was left in the dark. It was incredibly lonely and cold. A new set of emotions. All my life, people would come and go. They had a role, they acted out their part, and I acknowledged it. With just a thought, the weight on my shoulders increased, and I was left with a burden. So this is how she must have felt. I never knew how heavy it was until it was thrown onto me and super glued so that it wouldn’t come off.
Some would say I was cocky, obviously oblivious when I thought I had her. What went wrong? Nobody knew. The strong Kino everyone knew, crumbled and disappeared, right between our—my fingers. Or was it me who slipped? I didn’t even try to catch her, did I?

As I stared at the chalkboard in front of me, there was a monster threatening to shred me to pieces inside out. For the subtle glance and presence of Kino’s very existence, disappeared in an instant. It has been a week, and nothing has changed except the hole in my heart. How was I supposed to know she meant this much to me? I couldn’t. Not until she was gone.
“Yuki, YUKI!”
“Huh? Sorry. I’ll pick you up then.”
At first I thought I would play along with Lily’s game. Move on, a fresh new page. But no matter how hard I tried, Kino’s sad smile would pop into my mind. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t forget. Forget how her body moved, how her laughs would echo through the classroom, how her melodies would make me want to hold her so tightly that I’d probably break her. I didn’t even do anything, and I snapped her in half. Was I that inconsiderate to not notice how fragile she was in the first place?
Everyday kept getting bleaker, darker, lonelier. I can even feel it, a huge chunk of my heart just gone. I would see acquaintances walking by without noticing she was gone, and furious, I was. I wasn’t the only one, but that didn’t give me any comfort. For those people, the blame was all on me. Everything was my fault.
“You know Yuki, sometimes I wonder if you even understood anything. Do you even care anymore? You don’t even plan on looking for her are you?”
“Man, and I even played the bad guy for you.”
“Yuki, I can’t stress enough to you, go ask her yourself. I may be her best friend, and I may know a few things you don’t, but it wouldn’t mean a thing if I spoon fed it to you.”
I looked up at Nadako, who ate her lunch casually, as if she didn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. She was right…but every time I think about going to find her, I see that same frustrated look she gave me when she told me to leave her alone. If she ran away from me because she disliked me, then I’ll move on. If…

Time was blurring, as I suddenly found myself doing just what Kino told me. Giving up. I was a defeated man, and it just felt logical not to go the extra mile. I took Kino’s words straight like a shot of vodka, and prayed I might lose a few important details or two. I thought, time would heal everything, but how could something so unstable cure whatever was aching?
“Yuki~, how do I look?” and out came Lily. My eyes could only imagine Kino in that dress. I looked down trying to think of something to say, “ok.”
How she was satisfied with that, I don’t know, but she smiled. It’s as if she was just happy that I was there with her. Like I was with Kino, did she feel the same way?
I felt a weight on my arm, and my name being called once again.
“Yuki, I love you. You know that right?”
The words floated by, as they meant nothing to me. I didn’t respond.
“Yuki Pelletier!”
I quickly turned around and noticed Lily standing there on the sidewalk with a serious look, tears just breaking through.
“I will not stand for you ignoring me all evening! It’s because I’m not Kino right? Just because I’m not Kino means you can use me like some easy woman! I didn’t fall in love with a coward! I fell in love with Yuki Pelletier, the kind and charming prince who was always looking at…Kino. Is this how you treated Kino, because I can see why she gave up on you then!”
Tears trickled down the corner of her eyes. Standing tall, she continued to look back at Yuki with poise and pride.
A coward she says, that indeed I was. I was scared of seeing Kino cry, I was scared of hurting her, I was scared of something even as trivial as being rejected. Me, the heir of the Pelletier’s scared of finally not getting what I wanted? I don’t think so.
I felt my heart cave in as the walls finally gave way to the emptiness that was really inside. I felt horrible. I guess this is what she meant by avoiding her.
“If you knew, then why did agree to become my girlfriend when she left?”
“I thought it didn’t matter if you didn’t like me, as long as I was with you. But I was wrong. They say that you’re the happiest when the person you love is happy. But look at us…We’re just selfish creatures,” she wiped the tears of her cheek and tried to laugh. Those words, it finally clicked.
That idiot! I thought. She selflessly disappeared from my life thinking I would be happy she was gone. But then why did she look like the sky was falling…unless she was saying those things knowing it was painful. Of course she would!
“I said some terrible things to Kino, and to think, that she understood what I wanted to say even more than I did,” Lily sighed and shook her head, “It seems you know what to do now.”
“Will you be able to get home by yourself?”
“I’ve prepared a ride.”
“I apologize then.”
“I know.”
“Thank you.”
Were my final words to her as I dashed into the night, running like I’ve never ran before.

Kino didn’t give up because she was injured. She would have kept going no matter the pain. She did keep going, trying to stand on her own two feet, tired of waiting. That’s so like her, to burden the pain rather than selfishly get what she wants. I was so naive trying to forget that I harmed her, how much pain I dished out to her, that I didn’t realize how she must have felt. I would get the shivers just thinking about seeing her cry herself to sleep. Too bad I wasn’t so selfless or strong like her, because I couldn’t stand another second sitting still thinking.

“Yuki, I don’t know what you’re doing but this has to stop! You haven’t been to school these last three days, and I know you’re not sick,” Mayu lectured, cornering me in the locker room after weeks of silence from her. Keith gave a simple glance, our eyes met and he chuckled.
“What’s so funny?!” Mayu turned on her heels and stood up on her tippy toes to try and look at Keith at eye level, but failed.
“It sounds like you know what you’re doing,” Keith commented casually, “Hey, don’t worry about it so much. I mean, it worked for me right?”
His eyes softened as he looked down at Mayu and gave her a small peck on the cheek.
“Wah…Keith!” Mayu blushed furiously before turning to look away from the two of them. “Yuki—“
“Sorry I can’t stay very long, the piano festival starts today and I can’t miss a single class!”

I would search every day, skipping school if I had to. Searching for her, for the smile that makes me want to hold her tight, the air around her that made me want to steal her breath away, her petite frame that made me want to call her name and sweep her off her feet. It was almost like a game of chase, and I was it the entire time. If only she would have told me. What she expected me to figure it out or something?

I didn’t care about who was in my way, what was in my way, or how to get it out of my way, even if it’s Kino herself. I was going to make things right, and reclaim what was mine. I wasn’t going to give up that easily with harsh words and a few tears. The answer was really beneath my nose.

If there was anything Kino could not run away from, it was the piano for it was the one thing that would make her smile. With that clue, I would scout her at all these piano festivals. Sometimes they happened during the day when school took place, and sometimes they took place at night. But I knew I hit the jackpot when I flipped through the programme and saw her name in the Chopin category. I would finally take my seat in the small auditorium hall fully disguised as a student from another school, wearing their uniform, glasses, and a hat to cover my hair. I didn’t want to surprise her yet. But I did want to see her face just once, as if confirming she really did exist, that we weren’t all just dreaming. There in the center of the stage was a roughed up old Petrof piano. The first few performers proved it was properly tuned, despite its condition. Seeing her once again, was I ready for this? Too late to back up now.

As she stepped out from the side door, my heart stopped. Was that really her? It had to be. Nobody could make such a bland uniform look so cute. Yet at the same time I caught glimpsed of the exhaustion in her eyes, and the thinning of her already slim face. Her hair was much longer, covering an entire side of her face. But when her fingers touched the keys, it felt like nothing changed. The small smile on her face crept up as she closed her eyes to play a scale passage, and the way she would pout because just because it was in a minor key. I felt almost as if she was telling us a story, our story. The surging feelings coming out of each line cried to me, calling to me. Kino never could express how she truly felt in words. It was metaphysical and telepathy with her. As if she wants to share her secret but couldn’t, thus leaving it in code. She was reaching out for something, someone. Then I noticed it, the way she held her arm, it was exactly the same back then. I felt myself starting to sink knowing that my worst fears may have become reality…
After attending a few more festivals, listening to Beethoven, Bach, Grieg, Kabalesky, I noticed a girl with the same uniform. This was my clue.

“Excuse me, what school do you go too?”
“Uh, East Side Klinton Public School?”
“The girl who played earlier today is from your school right?”
“Kino? Yes. Do you know her?”
“I guess you could say,” I paused for a moment. What was the right word to use? “I’m her number one fan.”
“Really?! I didn’t know there were fans in Klinton other than me!”
“Hmm, well you’re not the only one.”
She breathed a sigh of relief and laughed cheerfully, “Well that’s good to hear. When she first transferred into her school I thought there was no way she would come to a small school like ours, especially when Grandia has everything. As a fellow musician, I would have never wanted to pass up the opportunity of going there. Oh by the way, which performance have you seen?!”
That was an interesting question. When was the last time I saw her play? It really has been ages since I actually sat down and listened to her play.
“I first heard her when she was at the live audition.”
“Me too!”
“Did you apply to Grandia too?”
“I did, but when I heard her play in the live audition, I knew there was no way I could have gotten in.”
“So you gave up.”
“Ha, never! I still got the nerve to go up on the same stage as her and perform, and give my two cents. But I knew that even if the door was closed, it doesn’t hurt to knock. That’s why when she said she was giving up music, I gave her a good smack and set her right! I think the reason why she wanted to give up because she felt nobody wanted to listen to her. Or at least that’s what I think she meant when she said ‘they won’t understand even if I screamed.’ So, we fans gotta do our job to support her!”
“Say, I’m Mimi, Mimi Armstrong,” she held her hand out to me and I peered into her vivid blue eyes that was exuding enthusiasm that could not be ignored. I sighed and laughed at myself. Even a stranger is doing a better job than me.
I took her hand and shook it firmly, as I rolled out the first alias I could think of, “Rolland. I better get going.”
“You don’t want to meet her?”
“Uh, actually I…I don’t think it be a good thing if she saw me,” I said hesitantly as I shifted my gaze towards the exit. The girl was sharp though, catching onto my uneasiness quickly.
“Oh I see~ you have a crush on her!”
“Please don’t tell her you saw me here because tomorrow…I was…”
“No worries! But I’m warning you, she’s notorious for turning guys down. Almost every guy in our school already tried to ask her out. It was quite interesting because the first couple of guys she would agree to go on one date with them, but then reject them at the end of the day. Saying something like ‘You’re not interesting,’ or ‘you’re an eyesore.’ Actually, a lot of girls are kind of jealous of her. It’s kind of scary. One morning we went to class together, and I didn’t notice, but she pulled me out of the way before someone poured a bucket of water right in front of us. Can you believe it?”
“Wait, what else happened? Did she get hurt?”
“Well I do say she gets roughed up a bit from time to time, but she always seemed to be able to manage. I feel like sometimes she’s protecting me too, by trying not to get close to me. But I feel so sad for her then.” She laughed trying to ease the tension before continuing, “You seem like a nice guy Rolland, so I’ll help ya’ out. Tomorrow our first lunch break ends at 12:30.”

I couldn’t sleep that night as thoughts raced through my head. While slowly drifting off, I kept hearing someone call my name, but I would wake up before I could turn around to see who it was. I already knew who it was and that was the most frustrating part. I sat in my room, in an arm chair set next to a wooden coffee table and I would casually look to the side to catch a glimpse of the necklace, its crystals twinkling in the dim light. I breathed out closing my eyes, imagining us dancing again, imagining the sound she played, imaging the self destruction she might have inflicted upon herself. But there was nothing to worry about. I was her prince, she was my princess. No matter how many times trouble calls, I’ll save her without question and without doubt. That makes me sound kind of cliché doesn’t it?

The car barely stopping, I threw the door open and stumbled out of it and into the small school yard.
“Excuse me, you aren’t from this school are you?”
“No I’m not.”
“I’m afraid I can’t let you in.”
“Oh no I’m just picking someone up.”
“You’re name?”
“You! Rolland! Thank goodness you’re here!”
“Huh? Wait what happened?”
“Kino, she needs your help!”
The girl, Mimi, quickly grabbed my hand and dragged me away from the office. As I climbed the stairs I heard the cheers of the students who were on lunch break. But for some reason these cheers were chilling. As I took a short trip to the past, remembering the first time we met.
“Take it back! Yuki isn’t like that!” It was when I heard that loud demanding voice rang in my ears did I stop to listen. I heard a crash and the sound of impact, as if a fight broke out. My heart squeeze, as I rushed into the circle, stopping whatever would harm something so precious and dear to me.
“X marks the spot, time to dig out my buried treasure,” and I swooped down to her and brushed away the hair in her face.
“What are you? Some kind of pirate?”
“The King did a great job hiding the diamonds. But it was nothing.”
And just like that, we spoke to each other as if time slowly began moving again.
As I carried her in my arms, suddenly a huge weight was placed upon my chest as this familiar heart racing, and butterfly stomach sensation wafted over me.

When we were finally released from the car, the blasted girl started running away from me. After all the trouble I went through….

I grabbed onto her arm tightly, trying to pull her back. When the cries and shrieks of pain reached my ears, I rolled up the sleeves.
My whole body sank. I almost gagged. Huge patches of peeled away till it was raw, deep nail markings left along the sides, the smell rustic smell of blood, and smoky smell of charred meat reached my nose. What was scary was there were no scars or scabs. That she felt the need to hurt herself so frequently that she didn’t even let them heal. Just when I thought things were going to be ok, my worst fears came true. To think she would cause this much suffering to herself…tears started coming out, as if I was crying in her stead. The feelings I wouldn’t dare speak back then were being conveyed.
“You think you can just smile the pain off, no big deal. You think you can just disappear into thin air without saying good bye, no big deal. You think it’s ok if other’s hurt you or if you hurt yourself, no big deal?”
Angry at myself for letting her suffer so much. I felt terrible, that tears started running down my cheek. I knew she was scared now, trapped in fear. She wouldn’t even look at me. Would it comfort her if I told her I was scared too? I quickly looked up at her, but she closed her eyes, she didn’t like what I had to say, but this is how I feel!

Love conquers all right?
“I love you!”

It was ok

April 16, 2009 § 1 Comment

Another emotastic poem for my impending dooms day! Yah! I’m not really that emo though x___X Although it isn’t really a poem, more like song lyrics. So I have included a bunch of songs that MIGHT fit well with the words.

If you have other songs to match, share please cause I’m trying to broaden my emo song library.

Waltz

papermoon

strength

月華- tsukihana

found me

Step behind this curtain,
And enter this crazy nightmare.
There’s no catch, just a warning
So please listen carefully.

This place use to be full of smiles,
And then the flowers began to peel away.
The shadows left,
And the dog never came home.
It went something like that.

Searching left and right,
It was just one big circle.
The world waltzed in this paradox.
And if you ever thought,
It was ok
Then maybe it is best to dissolve

This room had two umbrellas,
And then it became only one.
His hand was taken,
And nobody heard it sang in the rain.

This place had the smell of cake,
And then the milk began to mould.
The tray was cold,
And the love faded away,
It was left untouched.

With everything tearing apart,
And still fresh from the oven,
The salt stings the open wound.
And if you ever thought,
It was ok
Then maybe it is best to fade

No matter how many times,
Blood spills onto the floor,
It can be wiped sparkling clean.
And if you ever thought,
It was ok.
Then maybe it is best…

Those unspoken words never heard,
Because ignorance is bliss,
And everything was rejected back.
And if you ever thought,
It was ok
Then maybe it is best to disintegrate

(still editing)

Re: May I have this dance

January 25, 2009 § 1 Comment

Some notes from the Panda General.

I have great timing, since semi was last friday (mind you I didn’t go cause I’m an antisocial emo person.)

primary_colours_2

Anyway, I didn’t look over it a lot, so if it’s badly written, my apologies. I will fix it.

Obviously, because I’ve never been to a school dance, I wouldn’t know what it was like, so I just assumed it involved a lot of people talking, and a lot of loud music, and a lot of people in dresses and suits.

This part of the story was set when Kino and Yuki are 2nd years (Grade 11) at Grandia School. Around third term. Essentially it’s a very prestigious school with a lot of rich kids, and a few students who are on scholarships, Kino being one of them. Basically this is the beginning of a lot of shit that happens later.

Originally, I was planning for Kino to end up not going because Yuki was already taken or busy. It be something like, he was busy so he told Kino he wouldn’t be able to come. But then I didn’t know how to make her cry (yeah I’m mean, I wanted to make her cry.) So I went with the he was already taken route cause then I could have someone else make her cry instead of Yuki.

Someone who read the story commented on how he always says she’s cute. The main reason was because I suck at writing so I repeat the same word OVER again. Really need to fix that. Uhh but then I thought later maybe it was a form of habit, because Kino does really see herself as a person but a monster, or a burden. Man, I’m making him out to be a sweet person with a girly name.

Like I mentioned last time, everyone’s names are four letters long XD Except Nadako…and Keith who only makes a minor appearance.
Here’s a list of everyone mentioned in this story FULL name:
Mayu Goldsmith
Nadako Fubayashi
Rolland Eric Lea
Keith Staedtler
So Eric’s actual name is Rolland, but again, four letter short names are my thing.

Since I skipped the 1st term part of the story, I’ll give a brief descriptions of the characters
Mayu: daughter of some goverment official in the states. Used to be Yuki’s fiance but yeah that didn’t turn out well. It was an arranged marriage.
Nadako: daughter of a Japanese family who won the lottery.
Eric: Son of the director of Grandia College (the school). The school’s Prince.
Keith: Mayu’s stalker, he’s fairly rich too.

(to be continued…)

Wise Words

November 3, 2008 § 3 Comments

There are many teachers in my school who are my heroes. One of them being Mr. McCulloch. Although in student assembly we deemed him as a bald homeless man, he has many interesting things to say (most of them being “you suck” but hey, it’s nice to hear someone else other than myself say that once in a while.) Today, because I had symphony, I would like to take a moment to remember a few of Mr. McCulloch’s many fine moments.

Shut up and just do it!
“Stop making excuses and you will be successful!”

Get married to kill yourself…!

“The reason why you put rings on your ring finger is because it is attached to the artery and therefore connected to the heart. So then when you put on a ring made out of bad metal, it will seep into your soul.”

Sarcasm haha -.-‘
This quote was said today as a comment when one of the cellos were leaving and he was wondering where the hell the piccolo player was because he changed the seating so that she could sit next to the flutes.
“I love how Havergal Students put in so much commitment; I wonder if they’re this committed to their boyfriends?”

To be continued

Fixing problems

September 28, 2008 § 5 Comments

Panda Army General is in the house, and has come to solve some important problems. Consider this a rant.

Celebration Saturday
Celebration Saturday has been a tradition for me for the past 6 years, and never have I felt this confused about why I was there in the first place. Previous Celebration Saturdays have always been to support to United Way, to support and help the people around us. However, this year, the focus was on our school’s Triangle of hope. After watching Macross Frontier, I think I have had enough of triangles but I will explain to you what it is anyway. The Triangle of Hope is essentially a partnership with three schools: One private school, one public school, and one school in Africa. I go to the private school, where its admin believes that it be a good idea to fund raise money for this triangle. The school itself donates and fund raise for the triangle enough already, why go overboard when more than 50% of the money is just going to us? My understanding of a partnership is that you give and take from each other, but this relationship is one sided. Also, how can these African schools deal with so much money being pooled into them? Think about it…People in Africa are dying because the media is telling us they are dying. These dying people then see this school receiving a huge sum of money that could be used to buy food, and clothing instead of books, pencils, and desks. Unless the school actually does not get that much money, and we get most of it. Because of this change in cause, the enthusiasm level was very low this year. Not as many people baked cookie grams, not as many people brought in silent auction items, not as many people overflowed the bake sale with bake goods. For God’s sake, they ran out of cookie grams by the second shift, and I had my hopes on sharing some with friends. Although the green movement is a step forward, the Triangle of Hope killed Celebration Saturday. I suggest leaving things the way they were

Note to people yelling at me because my program only had the school mascot (drawn slightly more to resemble a Pokemon): Community partnership my ass, this isn’t even a triangle, where there are two people fighting over for one person’s love. Geez! Plus they weren’t yelling when I first showed them the damn sketch. Retarded people trying to out smart me, and retarded admin for being ignorant.

CISMF
This year, our school will not be participating in CISMF. CISMF is an event where music students from different private schools join together to make music. Strong image, good cause, why pull out? Is it because their aren’t any triangles? Jokes. I heard from a friend, who heard from another friend (yeah really sketchy when I say it that way) that it was because the school did not wish to host this year. In other words, they didn’t not want to have mass amounts of teenagers in the school. It is understandable that last year was a mess, with someone pulling the fire alarm, and people smoking in the bathrooms. But to pull out of something merely because you do not want to have these people in the vicinity? I say that is the cowards way out. In our school, almost half the school is part of a music ensemble, and mostly all these students audition for CISMF. To tell these people, including me, that we can not audition because the school is not part of CISMF because we did not want to host, is bullshit. Then to say that you don’t want to have people smoking, and pulling fire alarms because it’ll be a hassle, is just ridiculous. The students who WISHES to participate are being punished because some idiot pulled a fire alarm, and a collective group of idiots decided to smoke something in the bathroom. If I was the “admin” I would have bitched at the organizer, “If you want us to host, then we don’t want last year to repeat.” Instead of “I don’t want to host, I’m not going.”

Note: I realized that the fire alarm might have been caused because of the smokers…

Admin
In IDC, we talked about how the admin at our school controls everything, and that in order to pass something and make it happen, you must go through admin. For example, our school now has sweater vests. These fashionable uniform items were recently brought into the uniform a couple of years ago. But in IDC, we learned that these sweater vests took 3 years to get through to admin. For a simple…piece of clothing, it took 3 years… The Admin, nobody actually knows who they are, but if something about the school is wrong, it is the Admin’s fault. If the student council wanted to make changes but are unable to, it is because the Admins won’t let them. To me, the admin is an omnipotent entity, and controls the school. Not even teachers have say on things. For example the CISMF problem. So to solve the problems of the students, and possibly teachers, this “Admin” needs to be challenged by the community as a whole. Being democratic about it does not seem to be working as shown by how pathetic the student council is.

Other things
The computer labs should be open so that the middle schoolers don’t take over the library. It is a fucking library, some people are trying to work.

The cafe prices need to go down or else everyone will resort to eating only a bagel for lunch. Trying to be environmentally friendly is one thing, but hiking up the prices is another. We paid shit amount of money to go to this school, there shouldn’t be a need to have to fork over more money.

I understand that you’d need Grad dues for food, but to pay $80 just so I can get my sweater, and pay for formal? What about the people who do not want to go? (that being me) Why am I forced to pay for something I did not plan on attending but is now forced to cause I paid so much money for it?

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